Alright, listen up, you fucking celestial voyeurs! I’m Ragey McSwearington, the angriest astrologer in the goddamn universe, and I’m here to tell you what’s going down in the fucking sky on April 11th, 2023. Prepare to have your minds fucking blown.

Today, the planets are conspiring to create a shitstorm of cosmic energy that’s gonna make your life feel like a giant clusterfuck. With the Sun and Jupiter giving each other a little celestial handy, you’ll feel a burning urge to make big fucking moves in your life. But don’t go blowing your load just yet, because the universe has a sick sense of humor.

Imagine you’re in a seedy bar, and Mercury is the drunk asshole who stumbles up to you and starts a fight. Well, today, Mercury is in cahoots with Uranus, so expect some unexpected bullshit to come your way. It’s like Mercury is having a chat with that annoying coworker who won’t shut the fuck up, and then suddenly Uranus barges in and spills beer all over your new shirt.

Venus is being a total bitch today, squaring off with Saturn like they’re having a lover’s quarrel in the middle of the grocery store. You might find yourself wanting to connect with others, but Saturn’s having none of that shit, creating tension and making it hard to get anything accomplished. It’s like trying to make love while your annoying in-laws are in the next room, listening to your every moan.

Mars and Saturn are on better terms, though, sharing a dirty secret and teaming up to give you a boost of energy. Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility, so don’t go around kicking puppies or stealing candy from babies, you sick fucks.

And don’t forget about Neptune, that sneaky son of a bitch, stirring up some chaos with the Moon. Your emotions might be all over the place, like a goddamn roller coaster designed by a lunatic. Hold onto your butts, ’cause you’re in for a wild ride.

In conclusion, today is gonna be one hell of a clusterfuck, but it’s up to you to make the best of it. Just remember, you can’t control the stars, but you can control how you react to the cosmic shitstorm they send your way. Now, get out there and try not to fuck up too badly. You’ve been warned.

Yours bitterly,

Ragey McSwearington