EDITORS NOTE: Ragey is clearly overworked trying to catch up with the 6 months of lost work over his stupid tit incident, and it seems he sent me two horoscopes for the same day, I am just rubbing it in his face in public that he fucked up. which version do you like best? Leave your comment on X!

Let’s get one thing straight: today is a cosmic clusterfuck of epic proportions. That blood-red moon hanging up there like a giant middle finger in the sky? Yeah, it’s not just an eclipse—it’s a warning. A big, glowing “fuck you” from the universe. If you thought you were gonna glide through September 18 like it’s any other day, think again. The moon is in Pisces, which means you’re swimming in the deep end of your emotional bullshit, gasping for air, while the sun in Virgo stands there, clipboard in hand, criticizing your inability to get your shit together.

Mercury’s over here squaring Jupiter, making sure every word that comes out of your mouth is about as useful as tits on a bull. You’re gonna try to make sense, but all that’ll come out is a jumble of confusion wrapped in a blanket of “I can’t fucking deal.” It’s like a cosmic game of telephone, except the person on the other end is an idiot, and so are you.

Oh, and Venus? Ha! Venus in Libra is desperately trying to keep things nice and balanced but guess what? It’s fucking useless. Venus is squaring Pluto, so your love life is basically a dumpster fire with power struggles sprinkled on top. You’ll be fighting over the most meaningless shit—like why someone didn’t text back fast enough, or why your partner didn’t fold the laundry the “right way.” Spoiler alert: THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TODAY, EVERYTHING IS WRONG.

Then there’s Mars in Cancer, all emotional and volatile, squaring the North Node because why the fuck not? It’s like Mars took a wrong turn on its way to a therapy session and decided, Nah, fuck it, I’ll just blow up everyone’s sense of direction instead. If you’re trying to figure out your life’s purpose, well good luck with that, because the only thing you’ll find today is a metaphorical face-plant into the pile of your unresolved emotional baggage.

Jupiter is throwing itself into squares left, right, and center like a drunk toddler at a family gathering, blowing every little inconvenience into a full-blown catastrophe. It’s squaring the Sun, Moon, AND Mercury—why not go for the trifecta of cosmic fuckery? You’re going to think every little thing is the end of the goddamn world. Dropped your phone? Clearly, your life is falling apart. Someone cut you off in traffic? That’s it, you’re ready to burn the whole system down.

Let’s not forget Saturn retrograde in Pisces, because what’s a shitstorm without some existential dread? Saturn’s here to remind you that all your past mistakes are still looming over your head like a dark cloud. Mercury is opposing Saturn, so every single time you try to move forward today, it’s like dragging your sorry ass through a field of quicksand. Every step? Another fuck-you from the universe.

And finally, Neptune and Pluto. Neptune’s conjoined with the Moon, feeding you a buffet of delusions and false hope. Don’t trust your gut. It’s probably drunk. Pluto, meanwhile, is doing a happy little retrograde in Capricorn, trining Uranus like, “Hey, let’s tear down everything you think is stable!” Your sense of control? HA! Fuck that noise. You’re about as in control today as a blindfolded driver on the highway.

In conclusion, the cosmos has a clear message for you today: Buckle up, motherfucker. Your emotions, relationships, communication—hell, your entire life—is getting thrown into a blender without a lid. Today’s astrology is the equivalent of the universe rage-quitting on you. Enjoy the mayhem. Or don’t. Like I give a shit.