EDITORS NOTE: Ragey is clearly overworked trying to catch up with the 6 months of lost work over his stupid tit incident, and it seems he sent me two horoscopes for the same day, I am just rubbing it in his face in public that he fucked up. which version do you like best? Leave your comment on X!

Sit down, shut up, and listen, because I’m about to save you from the fiery mess the universe has cooked up for September 18, 2024. Oh yeah, we’ve got a full moon, a partial eclipse, and the entire celestial orchestra is out of tune. Don’t even try to act surprised when things go sideways today. The moon in Pisces is practically begging for an emotional breakdown, while the sun in Virgo is staring it down like it’s not impressed. Classic.

Let’s not forget, this whole spectacle is being bathed in a lovely orange-red hue, because, naturally, the universe felt it needed to look like the afterglow of a bad fake tan. Thanks, Trump. Now, as if the eclipse wasn’t enough to knock your day off its hinges, we’ve got this opposition between the sun and the moon. Translation? You’re stuck between feeling all your feelings and running away from them like your life depends on it. Spoiler: it probably does.

Oh, and don’t think Venus in Libra is going to swoop in and save the day with some love and harmony. That ship sank ages ago, and now Venus is looking at Chiron like, “Are you kidding me with this wound-healing crap?” So yeah, your relationships are either going to have the emotional depth of a toddler’s tantrum or the existential despair of a sad clown. Pick one.

Mercury in Virgo is over there squaring Jupiter in Gemini, so don’t expect to string together any coherent thoughts. Your communication skills are about as sharp as a butter knife. Feel like getting into an argument you can’t win? Perfect, because Mercury’s opposition to Saturn will make sure that conversation feels like shoving a square peg into a round hole. Over and over again. Enjoy.

Mars in Cancer squaring the North Node? That’s like throwing a Molotov cocktail at your life’s purpose. You’ll be angry and directionless, just the way the stars intended. Plus, with Pluto involved in all this cosmic chaos, you’ll be forced to confront your deepest fears. But don’t worry, you won’t actually deal with them—you’ll just scream into the void instead. Fun, right?

Jupiter squaring everything it can get its hands on (the moon, the sun, and Mercury) is like the drunk uncle at the cosmic family reunion. It’s big, it’s loud, and it’s making everything way more dramatic than it needs to be. It’s going to inflate your ego just enough for you to make a fool of yourself. You’ll think you’re the life of the party until you wake up the next day realizing you’ve burned all your bridges and then some.

And Saturn, let’s not forget good old Saturn. It’s retrograde in Pisces, so it’s making sure you’re stuck in some existential quicksand while opposing Mercury. That means all those brilliant ideas you have? Yeah, no. They’re dead on arrival. You’re like a hamster on a wheel, running in circles, and Saturn’s just sitting there, laughing at your pathetic attempts to get anywhere.

Uranus retrograde in Taurus is sextiling Neptune like, “Let’s shake things up and get weird!” But not in the cool, fun way. No, this is the kind of weird where nothing makes sense, and yet you still have to pretend you understand what the hell is happening. It’s like being at a party where everyone’s on a different drug, and you’re the only one sober, wondering why the hell you even showed up.

Neptune’s cozying up to the moon, which means your intuition is so off-kilter you might as well be using a broken compass to navigate through a funhouse. Don’t trust your gut today—it’s lying. And if you think you’re about to have some big spiritual revelation, let me stop you right there. Neptune’s also opposing the sun, so whatever epiphany you think you’re having is just the universe gaslighting you for fun.

Pluto’s retrograde in Capricorn, squaring Venus because, why not? Power struggles in love are just the cherry on top of today’s cosmic dumpster fire. But hey, Pluto’s trine to Uranus might bring some exciting upheaval! No, wait, that’s not excitement—that’s just the feeling of your life being turned upside down for the hundredth time this year. Enjoy the ride, or don’t. Like I care.

So there you have it: a day so catastrophically complex that the stars themselves can’t decide whether to implode or explode. My advice? Stay home, hide under your bed, and try not to think too hard about it. Because thinking is the last thing you should be doing with Mercury and Saturn playing cosmic Twister. Better yet, maybe just call it a day, a year, hell, maybe even a decade.

Until then, good luck dealing with your fragile egos, wrecked relationships, and existential crises. You’re gonna need it.