Here we are again. GRRRRrrrrreaaat. As you all read yesterday, the publishing server went down. I did some checking; long story short, it seems the one to blame has been very, VERY overworked and simply, by some sort of error far beyond their reach, did not open their mail one day, in let’s say, oh, perhaps roughly 6 months ago? This was, of course, one of our team members far down on the totem pole. Far be it for me to kick downwards and put blame on someone practically innocent in the whole matter. They worked their ass off, did their due diligence, and for some strange reason, this one letter got unopened and forgotten. Quite honestly, I suspect some foul play, some 3-letter agency or something pulling some invisible strings in some technologically impossible way, just to fuck with me that day. Uhm, I mean, ehm, fuck with me through a proxy, this poor employee here at the “pla.net,” as we call this conglomerate roughshod shack of mediocrity.

So, the virtual private server, in the cloud, where I had stored all my “gold,” is gone. Note to oneself: don’t pay in crypto with a burner email with a password you’re likely to forget when you mean business and are too paranoid to use any password manager and way too cautious to write it down in the physical world. I’m not that fucking stupid. I put hair on objects and tiny pieces of paper in my door cracks. I see when they search my house.

Just saying. No passwords here, ever. Shit happens. Relax. It was in the cards. Well, if you do angel cards or some other moronic new-age bullshit. Oh, don’t get me started, I warn ya. I got better things to do. Oh, cards, or more specifically, in our case, the fucking planets and their hellbent mission to make our life the worst possible version it could be. It was in the fucking star map all along, this pile of oh-so-hot fresh manure. Losing 6 months’ work. If I read my own hubris, I might have saved myself all this work. Do what I say, not what I do, ‘coz I do what I fucking will, and listening to myself isn’t my strongest suit.

Stop bitching, you say? First of all, fuck you for even opening your mouth in my general vicinity. That’s your first error. Second of all, I’m gonna do something so much better. You know why? COZ THE SUN IS IN FUCKING LEO. I’M GONNA SHOW YOU WHINEY LITTLE oops, sorry cAPS. Where was I? Oh, my plan. I’m gonna show you apathetic losers how you take utter, 100% pure natural, home-grown, eco-friendly bullshit and turn it into gold. And not only that, I’m gonna smear the shit in your face so hard you’ll fucking smell purification through your screen and think it’s roses. Yes, you heard me. I’m gonna do alchemy. In full view of the public, and I double dare you to even find the slightest hint of any shenanigans happening in the horoscopes in the coming weeks.

This will be about astrology and the little red riding hood of hate, me. So buckle up, you minions. Daddy Ragey’s on a roll tonight. The universe taunted me for the last time. I am going to teach you all how to have more fun than a porcupine in a warehouse full of inflated balloons belonging to your worst enemy. And by worst enemy, I mean the one you dislike the most, the dumb one, the stupid itch that never goes away. Not the worthy enemies you lovingly feud with for eons. You know, for most of us, our closest family. Moving on, before I step on (M)any toes.

So, what does all this above mean? Well, I’ll tell you. Don’t bother answering rhetorical questions when I’m around. You’ll just be ripped into for opening your mouth for anything else than gaping in awe of my brilliance. What does what I have written so far today mean? Well, I’m showing down your throat how it feels to talk to someone who has a sun in Leo and a fucking mercury in 00 degrees Virgo. All cocky, confident, and with a plan. And the patience for diversion as liberal as… wait, let’s not go there. I mean, liberals. No, no, no, no. No, Ragey, contain yourself now. Deep breaths, serendipity now, ffs.

And next of all, secrets slipping out, darn Pluto in Aquarius, retrograde. Good ole dwarf planet. One day you should look into its moons. That’s where REAL astrology begins. If you wanna talk about Charon and Hydra, and how they influence your Libra Pluto, I’m all ears. If not, don’t fucking bother me with your n00b star sign astrology nonsense. I’m an initiate, I know wtf I am talking about; you don’t. And the moon, well, midway through Pisces madness. Couple of more days now, and your whole innards will feel less like a bucket of eels dunked in birthing lube – K.Y. Jelly to you uninitiated – and more like you got two schools of fire ants in your pants and suddenly no time to lose. Enjoy the eels? Slime or fire, you pick your favorite. If today or Sunday is your flavor, it doesn’t matter. You have to take both in your stride and pretend you love it. It’s Leo month after all.

Mars is in Gemini, illustrated by the concealed way of conveying today’s horoscope. You figure it out. It’s in a mutable air sign, hello?! It’s Mars, the god of war, and he’s running his mouth like a minimum wage Walmart employee on steroids. He wants to go to war, but being squared off by Mercury in super bitch mode. You know he’s talking about something, and by the sounds of it, it sounds serious, but you simply have no idea what the fuck he’s on about, and Venus is still busy in Leo checking out her own reflection in the mirror, back in the try-out room at said Walmart.

And, this being 2024, July 26th to be precise, well, she is streaming a fucking try-on haul of see-through lingerie on YouTube, and it doesn’t even fucking need you to sign in, or age verify, to see some hot-looking 20-something vixen with an OnlyFans account luring hard-working, gentlemen of culture into her own wallet by showing off barely covered nipples, milk jugs, Brazilians and, well, you get the drift. Just search “see-through try-on haul” on YouTube. I won’t say this was the real reason why an employee might or might not have checked the mails some day in January, but if it was, I shall not blame him, for the Lord did specify that the first without sin could throw the first rock. Today, I said my name was Joe at the local Starbucks and got myself a free cup of coffee. Seems I had just called in an order. Super convenient.

Jupiter is ever present behind the scenes, encouraging anyone willing to plot against us. We really have the winds of change knocking on our doors. Bring an umbrella, ‘coz Saturn hasn’t finished whining in Pisces. It’s gonna take a while before he’ll figure out this whole retro thingie and stop being a sissy-fish. And, whatever fancy dreams you have today, get real, they are dreams. You ain’t fulfilling them. Sorry, Mac, that’s just how it is. New dreams and even better opportunities will come to those who dare let Neptune color their life, even though it’s just gas.

You see, magic happens in the moments you don’t pay attention and the universe pulls a fast one on ya. So, stay present, folks. Watch, live, be merry, and for the love of all holy, keep your fucking mouths shut if you’re in it to your ears. Otherwise, perhaps start thinking about swimming over to your best buddy and start talking about your great plans. Maybe, just maybe, you will think back, 15 years from now, when you sit on top of your own pile of crap, like a king – NAY! A God Emperor! – that hey, this all started that time I was swimming around, up to my neck in typhoid-infested 3rd world open sewer someone fooled me into doing a cannonball from the 30ft tower. I swam over to that one cool guy, we started talking, and one thing led to another and fuckin’ ‘ell, I got out of the pool, found some solid, crafted some bricks and fooled some other sucker to jump in, and helped myself to his belongings. Pay it on. An eye for an eye. Kick back, dont give up.

I can hear ya, relax. No, this is a made-up story, don’t believe a word. The universe is really out to get ya. If not, it should. If you will excuse me, it is 3:50 AM and I have something to do. If you catch my drift, stay shady, folks. Back tomorrow. Same time, same frequency, phase out. -Ragey