Oh, sweet celestial calamity! It’s Friday night in my world, but let’s pretend it’s Sunday, July 21st for this horoscope nonsense. My evening was rudely interrupted by my oven deciding it wanted to be a dragon, spewing flames and smoke. Now, instead of enjoying a quiet night, I’m scraping burnt lasagna off my ceiling and trying to make sense of this astrological clusterfuck. The universe has impeccable timing, doesn’t it?

Of course NOT, what are you, an IDIOT?!? The universe has to choose the absolute worst moments to unleash its chaos. It’s like it has a personal vendetta against me. Got a big deadline? Here, have a tech meltdown. Trying to relax? Enjoy a sudden appliance rebellion. And don’t even get me started on the time it decided to throw a meteor shower the night I finally got a date. Spoiler: no second date. Don’t ask, it was romantic as hell on first date, third base and bam, no joe for the final act. And no, I’m not talking about my potency being on the levels of an average Brandon administration, I just couldn’t think of anything but meteors, and her uhm, im going off track here, the point is -> (read on you numbnut, scroll to next paragraph, sheesh, THINK)

You’d think the universe could cut me some slack, but no. It’s like it’s sitting up there with a checklist titled “How to Ruin Ragey’s Day” and it’s hitting every single point. It’s almost as if it has a cosmic sense of humor. Oh, you wanted to take a nap? Here, have a neighbor’s dog barking non-stop. Planning a quiet dinner? Let’s throw in a surprise visit from your least favorite relative. Need some peace and quiet? Let’s reroute every flight path over your house.

And then there’s the ultimate kicker – the celestial events I’m supposed to be writing about. They always seem to peak right when my life is already at its most chaotic. Full moon? Check. Mercury retrograde? Double check(hey, its not really retro right now but it might as well be, alright!!!get off my back, and stay the fuck off mah lawn). And let’s not forget those delightful eclipses that seem to enjoy lining up with my personal disasters.

Seriously, I sometimes wonder if the universe just spins a wheel of misfortune with my name on it. “Oh look, it landed on ‘Ruin Ragey’s Evening Again’! Let’s make his oven explode!” And there I am, stuck dealing with the fallout while the cosmos has a good laugh.

But fine, universe, you win. I’ll play along with your little game. Let’s dive into this horoscope and see what other delightful surprises you have in store for everyone else. Maybe if I’m lucky, writing this will keep me from noticing the next disaster you have lined up for me. So, without further ado…

The moon has pranced into Aquarius, but don’t expect it to be a graceful waltz. It’s more like a drunken stagger through your deepest emotional baggage. Imagine Pandora’s box opening up and dumping all your unresolved feelings right onto your lap. Perfect, right? Your emotional stability is about as secure as a Jenga tower in an earthquake.

Meanwhile, the sun is clinging to the last rays of Cancer, trying to play nice and spread some warmth. But Mars and Uranus in Taurus are hell-bent on making sure your day is anything but peaceful. It’s like trying to have a serene Sunday picnic while a horde of caffeinated squirrels set off fireworks around you. Spoiler: it’s going to be chaotic and definitely not relaxing.

Mars, the planet of war, has cozied up in Gemini, turning your communication into a battlefield. Expect misunderstandings, fiery arguments, and regrettable outbursts. Conversations today will feel like trying to defuse a bomb with a butter knife—good luck with that.

Mercury in Leo is also on a rampage, thanks to Uranus. Your thoughts and words are likely to zigzag unpredictably. One moment you’re a genius, the next you’re babbling nonsense. If you value your sanity and relationships, maybe keep your phone off and your mouth shut. Just a friendly suggestion.

Then we have Venus, parading through Leo, attempting to add some dramatic flair to your love life. But instead of a Hollywood romance, you’re more likely to end up with a sitcom disaster. Those grand romantic gestures? Yeah, they’re probably going to end in a fire hazard rather than a love story.

And let’s not forget Saturn and Neptune retrograde in Pisces, dragging you through unfinished business and broken dreams like a relentless ex who doesn’t know when to quit. Trying to navigate this mess is like swimming through Jell-O while being haunted by past mistakes. Nothing is straightforward, and everything feels like a cosmic prank.

Pluto in Aquarius is also retrograde, digging up old wounds and forcing you to face your darkest fears. It’s like the universe decided today is the day for a deep, painful therapy session—whether you want it or not.

The North Node in Aries is trying to nudge you towards new directions, but don’t get too hopeful. It’s also adding to the emotional rollercoaster, making everything feel even more unstable. Your life direction feels like a game of Twister in a hurricane—completely unpredictable and utterly exhausting.

So, what’s the takeaway? The universe is still out to mess with you, and there’s no escape. Embrace the chaos, try not to set any metaphorical fires, and remember: it’s just another day in this cosmic shitshow.

Happy surviving, you unlucky souls. Now leave me alone so I can try to salvage my high score before the next crash.(Yes, im still malding over my fucking solitaire game being wonky, fuck all, good night)