Oh, for the love of everything unholy! It’s Saturday, July 20th, and if you thought yesterday’s cosmic circus was a nightmare, just wait. Here I am, getting yanked away from my game of Solitaire—yes, the one I had to hack together from Windows 7 because Win11 doesn’t give a rat’s ass about nostalgia or your high scores. Every time my damn computer crashes, it’s like the universe is taking a dump on my life!#¤”#¤#!

Anyway, you didn’t come here for my tech rants, you came for the astrological shitstorm of the day. So here it is:

First up, we’ve got the moon trudging through Capricorn, and it’s not here to make friends. It’s sextiling Saturn, so your emotional landscape is about as welcoming as a cold, hard slab of concrete. And because the universe hates us all equally, the moon is also squaring Chiron, dragging your deepest wounds into the spotlight. Expect a day of emotional whiplash, as if you’re on a rollercoaster designed by a sadist.

The sun, stubbornly clinging to Cancer, is trying to spread some warmth but is instead making everything more volatile. It’s sextiling Mars and Uranus in Taurus, which means impulsive, reckless energy is the name of the game. Think of it as trying to light a calming candle in a windstorm. Spoiler alert: it’s going to blow up in your face.

Mars and Uranus are practically conjoined in Taurus, stirring up a cocktail of chaos and unpredictability. They’re sextiling Neptune and Pluto, so brace yourself for some deep, transformational shit to bubble up. It’s like the universe decided it’s time for you to deal with your darkest secrets and buried desires. Surprise, surprise, you can’t ignore them anymore.

Mercury, the planet of communication, is in Leo and squaring Mars and Uranus. This means your conversations today will be like a game of telephone gone horribly wrong. Expect misunderstandings and heated arguments to be the norm. Venus is also prancing around in Leo, sextiling Jupiter, making your love life a dramatic spectacle. Grand gestures? More like grand disasters. Prepare for your romantic entanglements to feel like an episode of a bad reality TV show.

Saturn and Neptune are both retrograde in Pisces, dragging you through a swamp of unfinished business and dreams that seem more like cruel jokes. Making sense of anything right now is about as easy as herding cats. And let’s not forget Pluto, still retrograde in Aquarius and opposing the sun, bringing power struggles and deep, painful transformations to the forefront. Just what you needed, right?

And let’s not ignore the North Node in Aries squaring the moon and semi-squaring Mercury. Your life direction feels like it’s being yanked in every possible way, none of which are clear or easy. It’s like being in a maze where the walls keep shifting just to mess with you.

So, what’s the takeaway? The universe is out to screw with you, and there’s no escape. Embrace the chaos, try not to make any rash decisions, and remember: it’s just another day in this cosmic nightmare.

Happy surviving, you unlucky souls. Now get out of my face so I can try to salvage my high score before the next crash.