Category: Articles
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HURRAY, PLUTO IS FINALLY RETROGRADE AGAIN – HALLEFUCKINGLUJAH!
Listen here, you starry-eyed oxygen thieves, I have suffered. I have endured a winter so relentlessly suffocating, so cosmically constipated with Saturnian chores and Neptunian gaslighting that even my dreams came with unpaid overtime. But NOW—oh NOW—we are finally gifted with the universe’s one true mercy: PLUTO HAS GONE RETROGRADE. I swear to the gods…
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Plutomania
Alrighty, gather ’round lil maggots, come on, sit down, drop your pretenses and lets get this over with. Since most of you reading these words will have a tough time when Pluto enters Aquarius I might as well put on a fake smile and be pleasant. Yeah, it is that bad. I’m reminded of Churchill…
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Why Ragey McSwearington’s Horoscopes Are Always So Cynical (And How You Can Choose to See the Stars Differently)
Alright, gather ’round, you starry-eyed dreamers. It’s time to explain why my horoscopes always seem to take the low road, the rough path, the “glass half-empty and filled with poison” route. First off, let’s get one thing straight: the universe is a messy, chaotic, and often downright annoying place. And I’ve come to embrace this…
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Surviving the Cosmic Clown Car: A Mid-Weekend Rant on Capricorn Moon and Cancer Sun Chaos
Oh, fabulous. Here we are, halfway through the weekend, and the Full Moon in Capricorn has already turned everything into a complete shitshow. So, here I am, on my supposed day off, feeling the need to vent about the cosmic crapstorm we’re all wading through. First of all, can we talk about how this Capricorn…
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July full moon
Oh, for crying out loud! Another full moon this Saturday. Just when I thought the universe couldn’t screw us over any more, it pulls this stunt. It’s Thursday morning, 1 AM, and I haven’t written a damn horoscope in 8 months. Now I have to deal with this cosmic mess. Why haven’t I been enlightening…
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Scorpio’s Season: A Cosmic Deep Dive During the Season of the Witch
Welcome to Scorpio season, folks – the time of year where the veil thins, and we all get a little more in touch with our inner Wednesday Addams. It’s the season of transformation, of the occult, and of course, Halloween, when even the most skeptical among us can’t help but check over their shoulder for…
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Dragon Dances with the Stars: A Spirited Guide to Lunar Nodes and the Draconic Chart
Let’s dive right in. The North and South Nodes, also known as the Dragon’s Head and Dragon’s Tail, respectively. Now, I’m sure you’re picturing some fire-breathing, winged lizard flitting about in the cosmos. Sorry to burst your bubble, but the reality’s a bit less “Game of Thrones” and a bit more “mathematical point in the…
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The Saturn Slapdown: Dealing with the Universe’s Strictest Schoolmaster
Ragey McSwearington here, and I’m about to dive headfirst into the astrological shitstorm that is Saturn. Sit your ass down and buckle up, because we’re dealing with the Universe’s strictest schoolmaster today. Saturn, that old codger, has a nasty reputation in astrology, and for a good reason. He’s not the planet of pizza parties, rainbows,…
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Moon Phases: Not Just for Werewolves and Insomniacs
Hello, you celestial clusterfucks. Ragey McSwearington here, and today we’re tackling the moon, and no, I’m not talking about your arse cheeks hanging out after a night on the lash. I’m talking about that big ass rock in the sky, the moon, and the phases that it cycles through like a hormonal teenager. First things…
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Pluto: Is It a Planet, Isn’t It a Planet, and Why It’s Fucking with Your Communication Skills Either Way
Hey there, celestial wanderers! It’s your disgruntled celestial scribe, Ragey McSwearington. Now, I’m not one for the delicate discourse, so let’s cut the shit and get straight to it: Pluto. Is it a planet? Is it not? Who the hell knows anymore, and more importantly, who the hell cares? The real question here is, why…