Get ready, you spineless cowards, because it’s time to confront the most intense, mysterious, and downright fearsome sign of the zodiac: Scorpio. Born between October 23 and November 21, these venomous creatures are not to be trifled with, and you’ll either be drawn to their seductive charm or terrified by their unfathomable depths.

Ruled by Pluto, the planet of transformation and rebirth, Scorpios are the masters of metamorphosis. They can rise from the ashes like a phoenix, so don’t think for a second that you can keep them down. They’re survivors, and they’ll claw their way back to the top, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.

Scorpios are known for their penetrating gaze and inscrutable demeanor. They’re not ones to wear their hearts on their sleeves – they keep their emotions locked away, guarded by a fortress of steel. So don’t bother trying to pry into their personal lives, because they’ll never let you in, and they’ll probably make you regret even trying.

But beneath that icy exterior lies a fiery, passionate soul. Scorpios love hard and fight even harder. They’re fiercely loyal to those they care about, but if you betray them, God help you, because you’ll feel the full force of their wrath. They don’t forget, and they certainly don’t forgive. You’ll be wishing you never crossed paths with them, you hapless fool.

Scorpios are also incredibly intuitive, bordering on psychic. They can see right through your pathetic attempts at deception, so don’t even bother trying to pull one over on them. They know your deepest, darkest secrets, and they won’t hesitate to use that knowledge to their advantage.

In 2023, Scorpios will continue to bewitch, beguile, and intimidate the masses. They’ll forge their own path, making power moves in the shadows and leaving the rest of the zodiac quaking in their boots. So you better buckle up and prepare for the ride, because Scorpios aren’t here to play nice.

Now, if you dare to pester me further, I suppose I can continue to tear apart the rest of these zodiac imbeciles for your twisted pleasure.