Hello, you celestial clusterfucks. Ragey McSwearington here, and today we’re tackling the moon, and no, I’m not talking about your arse cheeks hanging out after a night on the lash. I’m talking about that big ass rock in the sky, the moon, and the phases that it cycles through like a hormonal teenager.

First things first, get this straight: moon phases aren’t just for werewolves and insomniacs. So, stop your whining and listen the fuck up.

You see, the moon goes through eight different phases. Starts off all dark and mysterious as the New Moon. Just like your future, you can’t see shit. Then it starts getting its act together and waxing – no, not like your girlfriend’s legs, more like building up, gaining strength. Goes through the First Quarter where it’s half lit – again, much like you on a Friday night.

Then it hits the peak: the Full Moon. This is when shit gets real, or should I say, reel. The tides are high, the wolves are howling, and everyone’s emotions are bouncing off the fucking walls. It’s no coincidence that A&E departments get busier around the full moon. People lose their goddamn minds.

After this lunar climax, the moon starts to wane, shrinking away, much like your hopes and dreams when you realized you weren’t the next Elon Musk. Down to the Last Quarter where it’s half lit, but this time it’s like Sunday evening, the weekend’s over, and Monday is waiting to kick you in the balls.

Finally, we’re back to the New Moon and the cycle starts all over again, kind of like your repetitive, soul-destroying 9-to-5 job.

Alright, so you’re thinking, “Great Ragey, so the moon does some weird waxing and waning shit. Why should I care?”

Well, here’s the kicker, genius. Each phase of the moon represents a different energy and affects us in various ways. You might feel motivated and ready to start new projects during the New Moon, whereas the Full Moon could make you feel intense and emotional, or just intensify your usual lunacy.

You ever felt especially contemplative or like you want to start wrapping things up as the moon wanes? Or extra charged and ready to party when it waxes? No? Just me? Whatever.

And here’s another mindfuck for you: the phase of the moon you were born under can tell a lot about your personality. Like if you were born under a New Moon, you might be more impulsive and have a “leap first, look later” attitude. Full Moon babies? Emotional and intuitive. Not always the best mix, trust me.

So there you have it. The moon ain’t just there to give werewolves a reason to go au naturel or to give insomniacs something to stare at when they can’t sleep. It’s a cosmic mood ring, setting the tone for our emotions and energies.

Keep an eye on the moon’s phases, and who knows, you might just learn something about yourself. Or you might not. I’m not your bloody mother.

Until next time, keep looking up and swearing at the stars.

-Ragey McSwearington