Alright, alright, settle down you celestial peeping Toms, it’s time for the one and only Ragey McSwearington to spill the astro-tea! We’ve got our sights on the coronation of King Charles III on the bloody 6th of May 2023.

The first thing that jumps out at me from this absolute shitshow of a chart is the preponderance of fixed signs. Sun, Mercury, Uranus, the Nodes, Ascendant and Midheaven all getting comfy in their stubborn little zones. This screams a reign that’s more stuck in the mud than a pig at a county fair. The King’s going to be about as flexible as a plank of wood and probably just as exciting.

Sun’s in Taurus, which means this royal highness is going to be as stubborn as a mule on the best of days. And with Uranus doing a do-si-do with the Sun, expect the unexpected. Could be a royal scandal or some radical changes to tradition. Might even decide to start wearing his crown upside down or something.

Moon’s stuck in Scorpio, all brooding and intense. We can expect some deep, dark emotions brewing under the surface like a tempest in a teapot. He’ll have the emotional subtlety of a sledgehammer. With the moon opposing Uranus, expect his emotions to be as stable as a three-legged table at a drunken banquet.

Mercury is retrograde in Taurus, meaning communication is going to be as smooth as sandpaper. Misunderstandings and verbal blunders will be more common than rain in London. This King better double-check his speeches or he’ll end up putting his foot in his mouth more often than not.

Venus in Gemini. Oh, this one’s a riot! Expect him to have the attention span of a goldfish when it comes to love and pleasure. He’ll be flitting from one hobby, one passion, one royal intrigue to the next like a bee on a sugar rush.

Mars in Cancer, the god of war in the sign of the homemaker. This indicates that conflicts will likely arise from emotional or familial issues. More domestic drama than an episode of EastEnders.

Jupiter’s in Aries, suggesting that he’ll have a larger-than-life approach to taking the initiative, but might end up biting off more than he can chew. Overconfidence could be a significant stumbling block in his reign.

Saturn’s in Pisces, indicating a stern and somber approach to dreams, spirituality, and the collective unconscious. Might see some harsh policies around religious and spiritual institutions.

And finally, we’ve got Pluto, the harbinger of transformation, doing the cha-cha in Aquarius, the sign of the humanitarian. Expect radical and intense changes in the realm of social justice and community work.

So, there you have it, folks. King Charles III’s reign is shaping up to be as comfortable as a bed of nails and as predictable as a game of three-card monte. I’d say ‘God Save the King’, but with this cosmic configuration, he’s going to need all the bloody help he can get.

Remember, it’s all in the stars, whether you like it or not! This is Ragey McSwearington, signing off till the next disaster. Stay rowdy, my stargazers!